Meow Woof Pervy Boy: Behind the BAKA NEKO
by Teh Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma
Summary: Eww, Kyo! You're a pervert, pervert! Read as Kyo travels around the 'world' in search for rape victims, teases Hatori and rambles on about anything that comes to his perverted mind... [COMPLETE][REWRITTEN]
1. I Have Sexual Desires, Too!

**A/N:**

**You've waited less than 24 hours for it...**

**You've masturbated at the thought of it...**

**It's...**

**MEOW WOOF PERVY BOY: BEHIND THE BAKA NEKO!**

**Warnings: Despicable pervertedness, language and OOC.**

**-**

What. The. Hell.

-

I had the worst day ever today.

-

Yuki was all like, "KYO, YOU BAKA, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HARASSING MISS HONDA LIKE THAT BLAH BLAH BLAH!"

-

All because I tried to sexually assault Tohru in the hallway.

-

I mean, what the hell does he expect? I've grown up with despicable people like him! Who can't even hide their obvious arousal!

Kitty see, kitty do.

-

"Kyo, you shouldn't be that way about everything."

"Yeah well, you shouldn't be listening to what I'm saying!"

"It is kind of hard when you are sitting right beside me, babbling away, you know."

"... Shut up Hatori."

-

I had an ice cream today at the mall. It tasted like strawberries.

But the flavor was ruined by Momiji's useless babbling.

-

"You know, I suck more than just ice creams! (utter joy)"

"...What the fuck?"

-

I was shocked a horrified so badly that I needed to get consulted by Akito.

-

"What's the matter with you?"

"Momiji is a disgusting, perverted little boy, Akito. I want action to be taken, dammit!"

"...What do you expect me to do?"

"Umm... thunderbolts?"

-

I learnt on that day, that people who impersonate God cannot throw lightning bolts and change weather patterns. Deary, deary me.

-

I was watching this telly show the other day. It's called...

MEW MEW POWER.

-

It was exhilarating.

All the people were cat thingys.

-

"Shigure! Look! An orange cat!"

"My my Kyo, I've never seen you so excited before!"

"Yeah, well...(blush)"

"Haha!"

-

Shigure promised to buy me the DVD box set tomorrow afternoon.

I said I would pleasure him with hot, Yaoi sex if he did.

-

Oh look! The mail just came in!

-

"There's a package for you, baka neko."

"Thanks."

-

I can't believe I just said thanks to that sexy loser.

-

And what's with all the random switching from English to poorly pronounced Japanese?

WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?

-

OH EM GEE!

-

It's my DVD's.

-

(watches)

-

"Kyo... is that your s-s-s-sister?"

"Yes Tohru, it's my sister. Her name is ICHIGO."

"...Ummm."

-

Yeah.

-

"Hey, your DVD's came. Where's my sex?"

"It's coming, Shigure. Now, where's my lube..."

-

Ever wondered what makes people tick?

I have.

-

So... I threw some ticks on Haru.

-

"AHHHH!"

"Haha."

"HELP!"

"...No."

-

I got bitch-slapped good.

-

Oh my Akito…

-

I OWN A HEDGEHOG.

-

I will call him Sonic and he shall be mine.

-

Come to think of it, I should go to the pimp industry.

-

"Where has this suddenly come from?"

"The sight of your sexy ass when you walk, Kisa."

"..."

-

I LIKE TO WRITE IN CAPITALS.

WHY?

BECAUSE WHEN PEOPLE READ IT...

I AM YELLING IN THEIR HEADS.

-

I am your God.

-

"No, I am."

"Piss off, Akito. No one feels like angst right now."

-

After I said that, I felt distressed.

I love angst.

-

"Like me?"

"Yes Hiro, I love angst like I love you."

"..."

-

Why do people always look at me like that?

I have sexual desires too!

-

"No need to cry, Kyo! I am here for you every step of the way!"

"Kagura... hmm..."

"What?"

"Feel like some sex?"

"SURE!"

-

Hell yeah.

I win.

-

Ecstasy is probably one of my favourite words.

Why?

I'll tell you.

-

"Well, go on."

"I like the word ecstasy, because it has two or three meanings. One, it's a drug. Yay! Two, it's the feeling you get when you about to have an orgy. Can't beat that, can you?"

"What's the third?"

"...Shut up. I said two _or_ three."

-

_Boobs._

_-_

I wish Tohru owned some.

It would be so much more fun to perve on her in the shower if she did.

-

"KYO, DON'T BE THAT WAY ABOUT MISS HONDA BLAH BLAH BLAH!"

"...I have a video camera. Wanna watch?"

"...Sure."

-

Tohru perving, away!

-

Gasp.

-

At school today, the teacher was talking about choosing our sexualities, not because of what our friends are, but because of what we want to be.

-

Perfect chance to be evil, thought me.

-

"But I wanna be a gay because YUKI is!"

-

At that point I leaped on him and gave him a huge hug. And a kiss.

-

"Ahhh! Stupid cat get off me blah blah blah! No, please stay!"

"Okay..."

-

The classroom was evacuated.

-

It sucked. I wish people didn't think about me like that.

-

I'm not like them…

-

"Of course you're not. You a filthy, mongrel cat."

"Not true."

"Is so."

"It isn't. Because I'm clean. I'm only a mongrel in the bedroom."

"…"

-

Your mom was good in bed last night.

-

Well...

She was.

-

That's how you were born.

-

Haha!

-

You're cursed now.

-

"I'm not."

"Tohru, I fucked your mom so hard she died!"

"…"

-

Come to think of it…

When you're not looking…

This fic talks about yo mama behind your back.

-

**A/N:**

**Blah! You're afraid now! AFRAID, DAMMIT!**

**Love.**


	2. I Also Have The Heritage of a LEEK

**A/N:**

**Yeah...**

So I said to Hatori the other day, I says to him,

-

"Hatori! You are a moronic bovine animal creature with antlers for balls and sticks for a stick insect impersonation thingy!"

-

Hatori was quite offended, mind you.

So he threw some pâté at me.

-

Of all the things he could throw at me…

Sheesh.

-

He probably wasted twenty dollars on that pate too.

-

"I did,"

"Serves ya'll candy ass right."

"…"

-

I have the heritage of a LEEK.

-

That's why I refuse to eat them. It sickening right to the core of all insanity.

-

"Ya know Kyo, I bet you die a terrible, humorous, perverted, leek related death,"

"Thanks Ritsu! I hope the same happens to you!"

"…Uhh, thanks?"

-

I'd just like to say a huge thank-you to all the people who supported my efforts of creating a free Tibet. It really helps to know, that all the moronic people of America are willing to kiss my ass when ever I ask for it.

Thank-you.

-

"What the hell was that?"

"That, my dear friend Shigure, was an impression of the leader do-hickey of America."

"…Oh."

"And that didn't mean any offence to Americans. I love 'em. They watch my show in English!"

"…"

-

Reminds me of a song, that does.

-

These chicks don't even know the name of my show…

But they all yell and scream,

"I wanna fuck you KYO!"

So's I says to 'em, I says "Go right ahead!"

Because I am the lead person is Fruits Basket!

-

"…"

"Akito, you know it's true"

"…"

"WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TOLD ABOUT THOSE DAMN …'S?"

-

Kudos to anyone who can guess the tune of that song –winks-

-

"Give me kudos, me, me, me!"

"Momiji, you only get kudos is you give blow jobs. It's a secret mommy-daddy thing."

"Ooo… so if I give birth and become a mommy, do I get kudos to?"

"Yes"

-

I wonder how long it will take him to realize he can't have kids.

-

Poor bunny.

-

He'll never be able to 'fuck like a rabbit'.

-

It pains my heart…

-

"Kyo, why are you crying?"

"M-Momiji…"

"DID HE DIE?"

"No Tohru, he'll just never be able to fuck like a pretty little rabbit… (cries)"

"…"

-

The idiocy of people in this country is ridiculous. Seriously.

-

"People from all over the world are reading this. Which country do you mean?"

"Well, the country you come from, my beloved reader!"

"YAY! I am ridiculous! (screams)"

-

Some people say to me I need to rid myself of the chip on my shoulder.

But I say I don't want to, because I am breaking a world record.

-

"…"

"Hiro, it's not my fault you didn't want to have the record of having a chip of your shoulder so long it grew mold. You can tell it was salt an vinegar too. Look at the vinegar…"

"…Uh, that's great, baka neko…"

-

I feel worthless and unappreciated.

Why?

-

"Why?"

"I don't just give head to anyone, ya know. And when I rarely do open my mouth and do so, people just don't care. They treat me like I am some scum off the street, the person in the family that no one cares about, the person who doesn't desverve to have a life in the free world."

"Uhh, that is you."

"Huh? I thought it was AKITO!"

"Akito is God, Kyo."

"…"

-

Since when? I mustn't have been alive when this happened!

-

Or maybe I was just passed out from all the alcohol…

-

KUDOS.

-

I love that word.

-

I means CHICKEN THANKYOU SINYOREETA in Spanish - English.

-

Hell yes.

-

Muffins!

-

**A/N:**

**Odd chapter. Hmm…**


	3. Kyo, the Ultimate GOD! of the Zodiac!

**A/N:**

**UPDATES FRIDAY! Yay!**

**UPDATES FRIDAY AND ONESHOT WEDNESDAY are gone for 2 weeks! Why? I have school holidays! Which means I will update at least one story every single day. **

**NOW! To all the people who have KUDOS. (3)**

**X Fade x To x Black X, micahskitty and…**

**SAA-CHAN.**

**She's sexily special, so she gets her own line. Yay! Kudos!**

-

I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Akito has.

-

"Really?"

"Yeah, I would,"

"So… if you become Sohma god for a day… can I kill you?"

"Yes Akito, you can. My life wont improve, anyway..."

-

It's been done. Yay! I'm so happy.

-

THE VERY NEXT DAY

-

Akito have me her special crown thingy and her cape.

I'm so excited.

-

"Kyo! GOD! of the Zodiac!"

"That's me."

"What's your first enforcement?"

-

Huh? What's this? I get to have enforcements, do I?

Ooh… interesting…

-

"I proclaim, as GOD! That Yuki and Akito are to be shut in the 'cat room' until they have at least four children. I also proclaim as GOD! That when Akito becomes GOD! Again, she cannot change this rule, or any other rules I have enforced."

"…"

-

Yeah. I'm taking this to the EXTREME.

-

"I also want so then when Akito comes back into power, she yells at me quietly instead of killing me."

"Yes, GOD! Kyo."

-

There they go… Akito and Yuki…

They make a hot couple.

-

They should be an official pairing.

-

"GOD! Would you like to make them an official pairing?"

"… Yes."

"And who does GOD! Wish to be paired with?"

"Umm… TOHRU!"

-

Yay! Now I wont have to stalk the poor girl.

That's a plus for Kyo, GOD! Of the Zodiac.

-

"Would you like some hot, steamy, sex on a deserted island with me, GOD! Kyo?"

"Yes."

-

"Would you like an icecream, GOD! Kyo?"

"Yes."

-

This is fun. Now all I have to do is wait for Hatori with a cup full of illegal medication.

-

"Would you like Akito's illegal medication GOD! Kyo?"

"Yes, dammit."

-

The day went too quickly. I tried to explain, as GOD!, that the day did NOT go for 4 hours. I was horrified.

Not only that, when Akito got back in power, she yelled at me. Loudly.

-

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID, STUPID CAT! I HAVE TO LIVE IN YOUR ROOM FOR 9 MORE MONTHS WHILE I GIVE BIRTH TO THIS DAMN BABY BLAH BLAH BLAH! But Yuki is sexy, so that's okay!"

-

It pisses me off that Akito thinks she owns everyone and everything.

She isn't GOD! Anyway.

-

"Am."

"Akito, God is GOD! Not you. Stop being an ass."

"…"

-

I hate Akito forever now.

-

Just like I hate YUKI… and Machi… and school… and everyone…

-

"You don't hate everyone, Kyo!"

"I do!"

"You hate me?"

"No, I don't hate you Tohru."

"Oh, good."

-

The other afternoon, I went for a walk in the park.

-

I saw some squirrels… some birds… some girls having sex in a bush.

Ya know.

-

The 'norm'.

-

"It's not exactly normal to see two woman having sex in a public place"

"For you, Kureno, for you. I get out a lot more than you"

-

I feel like I'm gonna die.

-

"Just came to say, goodbye!"

"…"

"Your gonna die, right?"

-

Yeah. Everyone would be happy then, wouldn't they?

-

ANGST.

-

That's it!

-

"I was right, right?"

"Yes Hiro. I like chocolate, okay? Gosh!"

"…"

-

I found a banana on the desk at school today.

It seems someone didn't have enough money for an apple, so they got a banana instead.

-

"Who put a banana on my desk?"

"Miss, why aren't you asking about the dildo _I_ put there?"

"…K-Kyo! Leave now!"

-

I bet she enjoyed it.

-

Ever noticed how that when your in elementary school, nothing is immature, then when you get to highschool, everything from back then is?

-

"Spell pig backwards then say like a waterfall!"

"G. I. P like a waterfall?"

"HAHAHA!"

"…"

-

"Hold you tongue and say 'I went up a hill, to pluck a duck!'"

"I weng up a 'ill to fuck a guck!"

"HAHAHA!"

"…"

-

"Say 'fack me' five times super fast!"

"Fack me, fack me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me!"

"HAHAHA!"

"…"

-

"Guess what?"

"What!"

"Fatty fatty two by four! Can't fit through the kitchen door!"

"…"

-

People just don't understand me.

-

Do you?

-

Yes, you!

-

"No Kyo, I don't."

"Shutup Collin!"

"…Who's Collin? I'm Haru!"

"…Ooh, right, sorry."

-

Testicle.

-

**A/N:**

**WHAT A FUCKED UP CHAPTER.**

**This sucks.**

**I wouldn't be surprised if I got no reviews for this one…**


	4. I Can't, Because I'm Cursed

**A/N:**

**It's school holidays and I'm doing requests for people. Want to make up an idea for a plot of a certain chapter? Want me to write you a oneshot? Just PM or review. **

**THIS CHAPTER IS FOR COLLIN!**

**Kyo's imaginary best friend.**

**THE IDEA FROM THE INTERVIEW COMES FROM… Saa-chan.**

-

This sucks.

-

Haru thinks I'm crazy now, because I called him Collin. If only he knew who Collin was…

-

"Who's Collin?"

"Oh so NOW you wanna talk to me, huh? First I was too STRANGE to be spoken to. Next it was I'm too OLD to be spoken to. Then it was- Hey! Come back!"

"Are you gonna tell me, or not?"

"Okay. Collin is a nice name, so I invented an imaginary friend and called him Collin."

"… MUST YOU FILL THIS HOUSE WITH LIES?"

"Okay! I lied! I got him from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends! Dammit!"

"…"

-

Collin knows who he is though. Because he IS him.

-

What's that Collin? You want to give me a tuna?

Do it, then.

-

"I don't get a thanks or anything, do I?"

"No."

-

At school the other day, I came on my hand and wiped it on teacher's chair.

When she sat down and stood up, I whistled and said,

"Who's makin' ya feel hot? Someone _I_ know?"

-

"Mr. Sohma! I don't appreciate comments like that! Who put this sleaze on my chair anyway?"

"…"

"KYO SOHMA! Principal's office… NOW!"

"It wasn't me. It was _Collin._"

"…"

-

I told Collin in the morning that I invented him that I would always use him to get out of things.

Well!

At least I told him!

-

"This 'Collin' thing has to stop, Kyo…" (Hatori)

"Unless he's your… boyfriend." (Stupid Rat)

"I think it's cute that you have a friend of your own!" (…Guess)

"SHUT UP! I DON'T CARE!" (Akito)

"Collin wants to have foursome. Wait, what's that? He wants me to take his place." (Me)

"…" (All)

-

That was a fun day.

Tohru died!

-

"I'm right here Kyo- mmmmph!"

"Hush now. No one needs to know you're alive…"

-

"Was that a _body_ I saw you throw in the cupboard under the stairs?"

"No. It was a sausage. No! A donkey. NO! An ASS."

"…"

-

But then, Yuki wouldn't leave me alone about the body.

And if Collin ws my boyfriend.

-

"Is Collin your boyfriend?"

"No."

"Is he?"

"No."

"Is he?"

"I don't know Yuki. Is he? Do you know?"

"No."

"That's because YOU'RE my boyfriend."

"…"

-

THAT shut him up.

-

Collin had to comfort me, later on.

He told me his life story.

Which was only 10 seconds long, because he has a short memory.

-

"I was born. I met you. I hate Yuki and leeks. The end!"

"Yay! Collin is best!"

-

But, I will never forget the time that Akito sent the exterminator over to murder Collin and dump his body in a river. I wanna damn her!

-

But I can't, because I'm cursed.

-

"NO! YOU CAN'T TAKE COLLIN! HE'S MY BESTEST EVER FRIEND EVER!"

"That's exactly why he must go. You don't deserve friends!"

"(crying)"

"Aww hell! Kyo, don't cry. Please. Stop blubbering. You look like a loser."

"(stops)"

"I'M STEALING COLLIN!"

"NoooooOOOOOoooOOOoooOOOooooOOOoooOOOOoooOOOooo!"

"Yes"

"…"

-

The exterminator poisoned him. I cradled his body until he died.

-

"Collin…"

"Goodbye Kyo. Thanks for teaching me… me… (coughs) sex."

"COLLIN! NOOO!"

"…(dead)"

-

Of course, it wasn't long until I was over Collin and had a new friend. Except everyone could see him. His name was Spandex. He's a little green alien.

-

"Yo Kyo, mah man! What's happening?"

"Nothin' much, just watching porn, reading porn, thinking of porn…"

"Introduce me to ya housemates!"

"Okay. Lets see… Tohru!"

-

Tohru came running in, at this point.

-

"Yes?"

"Meet Spandex. He's green. See him? Aint he cute? (strokes lovingly)"

"…Uhh… I'm going to call Hatori… stand very still Kyo…"

"Okay! Bye!"

-

Spandex later informed me that he had to leave, via Shigure's ass, to his home planet. He had to save the world from microscopic BANANA SLUGS before they ate everyone's balls. Yah.

That was angst.

-

"Oh Well, Kyo! You still have us! Tohru, Uo and Hana! And all the Sohma's too!"

"You really have no idea what's going on, do you?"

"No! I'm too high from morphine to think! Yay!"

"…"

-

That-ta girl.

You're gonna grow big and strong.

-

I heard from a reliable source that my English voice actor is crazy. Isn't that wonderful?

He said to everyone-

"In closing...it's just a character. If you see me on the street, don't worry. I want to be your friend."

-

As if I would wanna be anyone's friend. Sheesh.

-

Why does he have to have the same voice as me?

-

It would be A LOT-FUCKING-EASIER if I had my own voice box.

-

But I can't, because I'm cursed.

-

I did math the other day.

-

It was… fun, I guess.

-

"I like math. I wanna add you, subtract our clothes, divide your legs and multiply! But I can't, because I'm cursed. Oh well, it was fun seeing the hilariously excited look on your face. Bye now! Take care!"

"…"

-

**A/N:**

**Well. That was slightly more decent that the last.**


	5. Enhance Your Pants!

**A/N:**

**I… updated.**

-

Akito got real pissed off at me the other day and asked me why I liked Tohru so much.

-

"Tell me!"

"Because your mom had a three month waiting list"

"…"

-

Well, I was only telling her the damn truth.

-

If her mother wasn't such a skank, I wouldn't be in love with Tohru, would I?

-

"Don't ask me! I'm just a random!"

"…Sorry."

-

I was talking to Kagura the other day; it was quite a random conversation.

-

"I know! Lets have sex!"

"No."

"I know! Lets have ice cream!"

"No."

"I know! Lets smother you in whipped cream and eat you!"

"No."

"I know! Lets have sex!"

"…Your stupidity causes me pain."

-

Eight balls.

-

They are magnificent, aren't they?

-

"Why's that?"

"When you have no balls, you can use them to enhance your pants!"

"…"

-

ENHANCE YOUR PANTS!

-

C'mon! You know you want to!

-

"Why?"

"Because my mom has a three month waiting list. If you ENHANCED YOUR PANTS! She wouldn't have such a long line."

"…Making no sense, Kyo."

"No Hatori, your just a dickhead. See? I can see the dick starting to grow."

"…"

-

I have a keyring.

It's got a key on it.

-

Special, huh?

-

"Not really."

"Please Hiro, just because your no more special than a piece of crap…"

"…Ass."

"Yay! Asses!"

-

I asked Yuki a question just then.

He answered like I would.

Just trying to be like me. (cries)

-

"Why do you like Tohru?"

"Because your mom has a three month waiting list."

"Yuki, my mom is dead."

"…Boobs."

"Yay! Boobs!"

-

I saw a sign outside a shop, once.

It made me have an orgy.

-

(picture of almost naked woman)

"Want me?

I want you.

I need you to help me loose weight, so I don't look like this!"

(picture of obese woman)

-

I stopped orgying then.

Ewww!

-

"That's gross, Kyo."

"I know, Momiji, I know."

"BALLS!"

"Yay! Balls!"

-

These girls are really sleazy,

All they say is "Please me!"

-

So I do.

-

Hell yes.

-

I'LL STEAL YOUR VIRGINITY IF YOU DON'T HAVE SEX WITH ME!

-

"Kyo, wouldn't you be stealing their virginity anyway?"

"Shutup Kureno. I'm not in the freaking mood."

"…Sorry."

"So you should be."

-

I played Twister ™ with all the Sohma ™ family yesterday.

It was good fun.

-

I purposely made it so I'd be on top of most of the girls.

It was like having a 17some.

-

Oh. My. God.

17some.

-

"Lets have a 17some, Kyo!"

"YAY!"

-

My dream didn't come true, though.

-

I hate dreams, like that.

-

But then again, I don't.

'Specially when the Sexual Fairy comes and grants a fanasty.

-

"What do you want to come true?"

"17SOME! YAY!"

-

Uh-huh.

-

But how do you get a 17some to work?

-

Easy.

-

Everyone just randomly rapes each other again and again.

-

It was best!

-

SUPER!

-

"Kyo, I'd appreciate it if you stopped whispering your sexual fantasies in my ear in such a sexual manner."

"Sorry Haru…"

-

It's time to die, now.

-

**A/N:**

**Super, just super.**


	6. Kyo, the owner of a Booze Hat

**A/N:**

**Due to a threat from a reader (Yay, a threat!) I'm updating this one first.**

**This one's for you, Amberhawk! Happy Devil's Day!**

-

What the hell.

Talk about an idiot.

-

"Who's an idiot this time, Kyo?"

"What's your name?"

"Hatori..."

"Middle name?"

"… Tohru."

"(gasp)"

-

Whoa.

Hatori's sure been letting off some secrets lately.

-

And that's not the only thing he's been letting off.

-

"What are you implying?"

"You've been letting off…. Fireworks?"

"... Sure."

-

OH MY FUCKING AKITO.

-

I just bought myself the greatest thing that ever was.

-

A… BOOZE HAT.

-

C'mon, you've seen them on the Simpsons, surely?

-

"Wasn't that your life long dream, Kyo?"

"Yes Kagura, it was."

-

It's gonna be great!

I'm gonna wear it in public.

People are gonna STARE AT ME.

-

"Why do you want people staring at you?"

"Because, my ass is so sexy to go to waste."

"But won't you be wearing it on your head?"

"…ENHANCE YOUR PANTS! (runs)"

-

God.

I was eating some bread the other day, when I noticed that a giant rat had been baked into it. Know what I did?

-

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TOHRUUUUUUUUUU!"

"Y-Yes Kyo?"

"Rat…(dies)"

-

Then, she did the funniest thing.

-

"Yuki, come take your rat friend out-"

-

Then it wasn't so funny

-

"-it's scaring Kyo!"

"(laughing)"

-

But the bread company gave us a life time supply of bread.

But it wasn't free, mind you.

I had to pay for it. (cries)

-

Tohru got these fuzzy slippers, right?

They're all green coloured. And sparkly.

And they scare the living crap outta me.

-

"Why's that Kyo?"

"Ah! Don't come near me in those things! I might randomly transform!"

"…?"

-

Does she not realize the significance of those slippers?

-

"Nope."

"Well… ya see… theylooklikemyfeetthingysfrommyotherformokay!"

"…"

-

I'm glad I got that over with.

-

This one time, when I was a little kid- WAIT.

What the hell am I saying?

-

"What do you mean?"

"This story is supposed to be the most perverted thing people have ever read. Ever. And the writer is supposed to be happy to make me sound like a pervo because she likes me so much."

"Well…"

"DAMMIT! I'M WRITING THIS STORY MYSELF!"

-

Haha. I caught Yuki in the shower the other day.

-

Basically because I waltzed in there and grabbed his ass.

-

Hell yes.

-

"I thought I told you not to tell anyone about that."

"Well…"

-

I can't keep secrets.

Especially sexual ones.

-

Like this one time, Tohru wore one of those dresses Ayame gave her.

I think there was a puddle of drool at my feet.

-

Well, there must have been.

She walked past with a mop and gave me a strange look.

-

"I don't recall Tohru wearing a-"

"Shutup Shigure. Trust you to ruin the damn mood."

-

Sperm.

-

Cock-tale.

-

Thinking what I'm thinking?

-

"Kyo, NO ONE thinks like you do!"

"Psh, like you can say that Yuki. I only have 6 chapters, you have 20!"

"I still don't take back what I said."

"…Dammit."

-

Yuki later admitted he knew exactly what I was thinking and helped me achieve my goal.

-

"Hello, welcome to Shigure's Pad! How may I take your order?" (Tohru)

"Umm… can I please have a cumshake on the rocks."

"Yay!"

"…"

-

Me and Yuki gave each other sexual pleasure and used the 'left overs' for our drinks.

It was the best.

-

We made… 8 yen! WOOHOO!

-

I was discriminated the other day.

So cold hearted.

-

"What happened?"

"Well, I was eating a packet of chips, right? And the packet was pink. So they all called me a Girly Cat Lover!"

"GASP!"

"I KNOW! (cries)"

-

I'm a very emotional person, ya know.

-

I still have my booze hat.

-

It's a great hat.

-

And I only learnt a few minutes ago it holds can of other things too, not just booze.

Isn't it great?

-

"…"

"Puh-lease! Just because YOU want one HATORI doesn't mean you have to DEATH GLARE at my poor INNOCENT soul!"

"…Kyo, please stop being such a moron."

"No!"

-

Happy Devil's Day! 666!

-

**A/N:**

**Man, I hope I don't bring myself bad luck for saying that last sentence.**

**Oh well, I'm not a religious person. I'm only SOHMAN.**

**Yay! BOOZE HAT!**


	7. Yuki's Mom is a Mega King Kong Biatch

**A/N:**

**I'm glad you guys like this one so much. It's even more popular than my Yuki one.**

**That's damn special, I think.**

**Kudos to all my reviewers! Yay, to you! **

-

Haru was such a crap head today.

I asked him to give me a blowjob and he said NO.

-

"Why the hell not?"

"Because, I don't feel like it..."

"You're usually the one to ask me if I want one, cowboy."

"Are you implying I'm a pedophile?"

"…I'm older than you, idiot."

"…"

-

And so, I went and brooded my revenge on MY roof.

Ooh, revenge is sweeeeet… sweet like…

Ummm…

-

"Candy!"

"No Momiji, I'm aiming for something more pervy than that,"

"Oh, oh! How about SUGAR COATED CUM!"

"Yay!"

-

That was good. Momiji's going to be my secretary forever now.

-

Anyway, I finally got to give me revenge to Haru, during dress rehearsal for the school play.

It's called…

FREDDY VS JASON

AKA

KYO VS HARU

-

It is so exciting I had to use capitals.

-

"Oh no. It is Freddy. I am about to die. Help. Help. Help." (Stupid Haru with no feelings)

"MUAHAHAHAAAA! I AM GOING TO WHOOP YOUR CANDY ASS!" (Me, with special extra added lines which I put in there myself 'cos I'm special)

"…"

"Okay, I'll say to proper line, sheesh!"

"…"

"Muhahahahaaa. I am Freddy! Prepare to die, Jason! Haaa!" (Insert me swinging my metal thingys around)

-

It was at that point I got my revenge…

By cutting off Haru's left ball sack.

-

"GASP!" Gasped Everyone, when they realized what I had done. So I figured I'd better make a run for it. Which I did.

-

And so concludes the epic tale.

-

Yesterday, Tohru came up to me and starting speaking all formally. It sucked.

-

"Konnichi wa Kyo-kun! Desu? DESU!"

"(stare)"

-

It was a cold glare.

-

The fic writer would like to point out that I am not female even though I… look it?

-

What the hell?

-

"Don't worry, she did stuff like that to me, too. She's sick today, so it's evil moods all around!"

"Oh my Akito! Yuki, what if she makes us have sex?"

"Heh heh heh…" (Dukoro-chan)

"Ahhhh!" (Yuki and Kyo)

-

Yeah.

It was some good sex.

Although, it's a bit hard to have sweaty, yaoi sex when some random person is controlling every move you make from her computer.

-

"SHUT UP!"

"…Sorry."

-

I have leet skillz, yo.

-

"N0, 1 m AKKITTTOOO ultmte r0lr 0f 1337 skill2"

"Lies! LIES!"

-

Akito is a mega king kong bi-atch.

-

"Have you ever met my friend Yuki's mom, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch, she's a bitch bitch bitch to all the boys and girls!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, STUPID CAT!"

"On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch on Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch and on Sunday just to be different she's a mega king kong stupid bi-atch!"

"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!"

"Okay (gags laughing)… Sorry Yuki (grins)"

"I'm sick of you calling my mom a bitch!"

"Yuki, Akito isn't your mom."

"…"

-

OH MY AKITO.

-

Akito is Yuki's Mum.

-

Yuki is… JESUS.

-

"It's true!"

"Noooo!"

-

Here comes Akito.

-

Oh… fuck.

-

**A/N:**

**Ha. Nice touch with the bitch song. Haha.**


	8. I Question Spiderman's Sexuality

**A/N:**

**Inspired by a friend and her emoticon on MSN… this chapter features Kisa and Akito's Spiderman dolls.**

-

I got summoned to Akito's chambers yesterday.

I was totally jacking off with fear.

-

"Shouldn't you have been wetting yourself?"

"Look Hatori, I do what I want, okay? Jacking off is better than pissing yourself"

"…"

-

When I got there, Akito said in her super sexi 1337 skillz voice that she wanted me to come.

-

I told her I wasn't ready to come! I still needed to jerk some more.

-

"No, stupid cat! I meant come in!"

"…Oh"

-

So I went in there, still jacking off mind you, and I saw Kisa and Akito sitting on the floor.

It was very sexy.

-

"What's Kyo playing with, Akito?"

"Nothing sweetie, just don't look. Wait, you should look. Learn for Hiro!"

-

Yeah.

-

Then, I noticed they all had… Spiderman dolls?

-

"They aren't dolls, Kyo! They're action figures!"

"Like it matters, Kisa"

-

Akito told me she needed me for something important.

-

"I need you to dress like Spiderman, but in this dress, like Spiderman is!"

-

I was mortified.

-

See, I even used a nice, big word to intensify my anger and appallment.

If that's a word.

-

"Please, Kyo. It would mean a lot…"

"…"

-

I just couldn't say no to Kisa.

Not after how many times I've fucked her since the age of 8.

-

So I changed into the spazzie little dress and did a little dance, just like the Spiderman action figures Akito and Kisa own does.

-

"Kyo, your supposed to giggle like a school girl and lift your dress up,"

"…I question Spiderman's sexuality"

-

Akito was so shocked about it all, she sent me to the punishment room.

Gasp!

-

"Don't be so horrified, Kyo. This is where Rin got her hair hacked off with a chainsaw! It's a place of merriment and beheading!"

"…"

-

Sometimes, Akito scares me.

Okay, all the time.

-

"Okay Kyo… your punishment is over. Have a mirror!"

"NOOOOO! (dies)"

-

You know what the bitch did to me?

-

"Tell me, tell me!"

"Okay Momiji, calm down and sit on my lap. We'll talk about the first thing that pops up, if you know what I mean (winks)"

"…"

-

She died my freaking hair BLACK.

As if I'm some kind of gothical slut.

-

"But Kyo, you ARE a gothical slut!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YUKI!"

-

So now, I look like a freak.

Black hair, red eyes.

-

Reminds me of… ESSENDON.

-

I love that football team.

Makes me wanna cry… (does so).

-

Know what it also reminds me of?

-

"What?"

"The devil,"

"Why?"

"Well Ritsu, a lot of things in this world are strange. Especially people with black hair and red eyes. When the bangs on my hair cover my eyes a bit and I stare up at someone, swish! So hawt, I have to say"

"What that got to do with the devil…"

"A lot. A lot"

"…"

-

Okay, so nothing! But!

It does make me look strange.

-

Like the devil reincarnation boy from "Omen 666".

Wait… is his hair black? (never seen movie).

-

"Ritsu! I remembered why it makes me think of the devil!"

"Why?"

"The boy from the movie!"

"Yay?"

"Yes… yay…"

-

I now plan to cause havoc in everyone's eyes and strike fear in people's hearts.

-

And plunge something I can't say into their asses.

-

"Why can't you say it, Kyo?"

"Well Momiji, this fic is only rated T! Know what that means?"

"No?"

"I can't talk about sex so much! Boohoo!"

"…"

-

Yes. It's shockingly true.

-

"Umm, Hatori?"

"Yes?"

"I don't know if you wanna hear this but… my penis is squishy,"

"…"

"IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT? (cries)"

"…Yes"

"Are you sure you don't have to operate? I bought some lube so we could have some extra fun, wink wink, nudge nudge…"

"Kyo, please get out of my house,"

-

Gasp. I have a Hatori fetish!

-

"JUST LIKE ME!"

"Yes Yuki… just like you…"

"Woohoo!"

-

Am I striking fear in your heart yet?

-

**A/N:**

**Yes Kyo, you strike fear in all hearts.**

**Anyway… I was thinking about deleting some of my fics and replacing them with some new ones.**

**I got the ideas from reading today's newspaper. **

**They're really cool.**

**What do you think?**


	9. I wanna see YOU naked!

**A/N:**

**Eh, I updated because it's 10:30 at night and I am bored sexless.**

**I m-mean shitless! Shitless, damn you!**

-

I'm having problems with my hormones.

-

I lie about my body parts.

-

"How so?"

"Well Kisa, I told this chick at school that I had a pimple on my back and if she wanted to see, but I only sat that because I felt like taking my shirt off in class because I'm so hot. I mean, I was hot. Yeah"

"What's that got to do with puberty?"

"The fact I want to strip tease in class"

-

Viva la Gaspos!

-

I shall do a strip tease in class!

And I know the perfect one!

-

"Sex ED?"

"Haru, Haru, Haru. You think you know me well! But you do not, for-"

"What then?"

"…Sex ED"

-

Damn him!

Am I really that predictable?

-

Well, I might do it in Social Science then.

We're talking about hormones and how they affect the community there, anyway.

-

"So class, do you know anyone who's hormones are affecting them and the community?"

"Me! (raises hand)"

"Sohma?"

"YES! Myself!"

"How so?"

"(does strip tease)"

-

I won!

-

What did I win, you ask?

-

"I didn't ask anything, Kyo, all I said was-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, HATORI"

-

I won the sexual gratitude I deserve.

I have half a length on Yuki!

-

"That's not exactly a good thing, Kyo. Being biggest doesn't always mean everything. Of course, it does in some cases but…"

"Do you even know what I'm talking about Kureno?"

"Height?"

"…No! Ya know… sexual parts…"

"VIVA LA GASPOS!"

-

Damn Kureno and his stupidness.

He needs to grow a backbone.

-

And some balls.

-

"Hey, I have balls!"

"Then how come there was a YURI story between you and Akito?"

"Where?"

"…A site!"

-

Kureno told me to leave, then, but I didn't.

Because Yuki never did.

-

He had the balls not to. Unlike SOMEONE IN THE ROOM.

-

"W-Who me?"

"Yes, you!"

"Of course I do not own… uh… 'balls'… I am a girl…"

"Fuck… sorry Tohru… (hides)"

-

Yuki was right; it's really easy to mix Tohru up with a bloke.

-

"Actually, I mistook her for Hatori most, not Kureno,"

"Shutup, damn rat. I can mistake her for whoever I want,"

"…"

"Okay, I'm sorry. That was spastic,"

-

What?

It was, dammit!

-

Haha.

Me and Haru… and Yuki and Shigure did dress ups yesterday.

-

It was freaking hilarious.

-

We used all Tohru's sexual clothes.

-

Shigure wore a skimpy black bra and a leather mini skirt.

-

"Ooh, look at me! I am Tohru! I am also the king person of the American army. I wanna see YOU nude!"

-

Yeah, that was classic.

Haru and Yuki both wore a denim attire, which Tohru must have owned two of.

-

I wonder if their asses were supposed to be bare at the back.

-

"I'm Tohru!" (Yuki)

"Me too!" (Haru)

"Lets have sex!"

"Yay! (makes out with)"

-

And me? What did I wear?

-

"Well Kyo, you wore a skimpy wimpy, purple, boob tube. We stuffed some socks down the front to hold it up. It was funny!"

"Yes, thanks Yuki. I think I know what I wore!"

"Then why ask?"

"…Ass wipe"

-

And then Tohru caught us.

-

"Hey you guys! Get out of my- oh… sexy!"

"…WOOT!" (Me)

-

So then we had a fivesome.

But it wasn't as good as out 17some.

(sniffles)

-

"Don't cry Kyo. I shall treat you to some kinky sex right now!"

"No thanks Akito…"

"Aww!"

-

Akito is a sex fiend.

She glued a picture of Ren on her bedside table.

She puts her cup on top of it.

-

Her cup with her false teeth.

-

"Yes, it's so true. I do that to remind myself that my mother should always be smothered in disgusting, false teeth-a-fied saliva"

"…"

-

Yuki got real mad at me too.

-

"YOU STUPID CAT! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT USING "…", HUH? JUST STOP SAYING IT! YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME FIRED BY KORO CORP!"

"Who's Koro Corp?"

"It's like Kaiba Corp, except Dukoro-chan owns it"

"…I see"

"STOP USING THE DOTS! (dies)"

-

"…"

-

In English lessons the other day, we had to use a commonly used English word and turn it into an acrostic poem. So I did three words in a sentence.

-

**S**exual excitement.  
**E**xtreme feelings.  
**X**-travagant… stuff.

**M**ake some kids.  
**E**llen, Edgar and Elephant.

**P**eople like me.  
**L**ove me too.  
**E**veryday, I get laid.  
**A**ll because  
**S**ex is my game.  
**E**ver and ever, forever.

-

The teacher said, "That's some sexy stuff, Kyo Sohma. I want to see you after school in the janitors closet… I wanna teach you something the other students don't need to know,"

-

She was nice and squishy inside. Woo!

I got laid three times that day.

-

"How do you get more sex than ME?"

"Well, Akito, your just a crazy, stupid, stalker, man-bitch"

"…(cries)"

-

I was only telling the truth, right?

-

Right.

-

So piss the hell off.

Or screw with me.

-

**A/N:**

**Aww, gonna leave Kyo so soon?**

**I'm sure he'd prefer if you stayed a little longer… (winks)**


	10. DDR, Hippies and Cooking? Oh My!

**A/N:**

**Whoa you guys! 100 reviews for only 10 chapters! Gawd, I love ya's all.**

**Well… not really… -hugs everyone-**

**Anyway, busy, busy is me! I've got lots of chapter stories still running and I have a handful of challenges from friends I still write. –gasps-**

**How will I ever survive?**

-

I hate your slutty guts.

You're a big, fat, stupid wanker.

Yes you, you moron!

-

"Me?"

"FOR THE LOVE OF AKITO, YES!"

"…"

"Please tell me you're Hatori,"

"No… Yuki… please stop trying to screw me…"

-

Gasp.

-

How am I supposed to say sorry to Yuki?

I never say sorry to him.

He can just go to hell.

-

Via Shigure's ass.

-

"Kyo-Kyo, my ass isn't a tram system"

"Umm, Shigure? Eheh, it's MY ass. I think I would know weather it's a tram system or not, thanks very much,"

"Isn't my name Shigure?"

"…(runs)"

-

Stupid dog!

Making me look like some kinda idiot.

-

I hate his slutty guts.

-

"May I ask, Kyo, what are slutty guts?"

"Well Hatori, 'slutty guts' sounds better than just 'guts'. Also if you say it really fast it sounds sexable"

"…"

-

Momiji came the visit me the next day too.

He said he needed me for something…

-

SEXUAL.

-

"Gasp!"

"What is it Momiji?"

"I grew some balls, just like you told me to!"

"…"

"Aren't your proud?"

"No. You already had them there. You just glued Shigure's boob there,"

-

That's right folks. Shigure has boobs.

Or should I say HAD!

And also should I say… MAN BOOBS.

-

"Gasp!"

"That right, Akito. You own some too, 'cos you're a SHE-MAN"

-

Haru as some too.

Stupid cow…

-

I challenge you… to a game of... DDR!

-

"Stupid cat, DDR isn't a thing you can attach to your TV. You have to go buy one of those spazzie little machines,"

"That's where YOU'RE wrong! (points)"

"Gasp!"

"Wanna play?"

"Flucks yes!"

-

Damn rat.

Today shall be the day of reckoning.

-

He can't dance nearly as good as ME.

-

FOR I AM KYO, THE BEST PERSON IN EVERYTHING!

-

"Kyo… you're not good at everything,"

"Yeah?"

"You're not very good at say… martial arts!"

"SHUTUP TOHRU!"

"I'm Hatori!"

-

Gasp. The other way around!

-

Anyway, we danced to that song called "Mr. Wonderful".

Because I know all the words to it.

-

And, you wouldn't freaking believe it.

I lost.

-

"Kyo, it's like a written law that you can't beat Yuki in anything. It's impossible, man! So come have some funky hippy juice with me. I know you want to…"

"Piss off, ya hippy! I can to beat Yuki!"

"At what?"

-

Then I realized it.

Viva la Gaspos!

-

"Yuki! I challenge you to something I will definitely win at!"

"Heh, sure. What is it?"

"COOKING!"

"…(runs away)"

-

I knew I was better than Yuki at something!

-

Everyone loves Magical Trevor,

'Cos the tricks that he does are ever so clever.

-

"Am I Magical Trevor, Kyo?" (That whole sentence had to start with caps O-O)

"No, Haru, I am,"

"BUT I AM A COW!"

"I know. I shall make you disappear,"

"I'm your ass-istent!"

"Yay! Ass!"

-

Asses are fun.

You can do so much with them.

-

"Ah, Kyo?"

"Yes Momiji?"

"This whole time you've been-"

"Thinking out loud?"

"No you-"

"Masturbating in the bus mall?"

"NO DAMMIT! You've been throwing sperm at my head!"

"…(runs)"

-

**A/N:**

**This is so insane.**

**I'm a nutcase.**


	11. Yuki Drank The Last Of The Milk, Gasp!

**A/N:**

**This chapter is all about Kyo's obsession with Ren's Boob, Sesame Street and a few other random things. **

-

Ren's boob makes the world go 'round.

I know, because Akito told me so.

-

"Even though I like to bash the boobs out of Ren, Ren's boobs are very special to me. I suckled them as a baby. I bit them as a teenager, pretending to be a horny boy. It's all very shameful, but I'm sure YOU of all people Kyo, would understand, right?"

"…I don't even know what you're talking about,"

-

And because I love Ren so much, I decided to go and ask her about why her boobs are so enthralling to talk about.

-

"Well, basically, because the term 'Ren's Boob' sounds cool. I don't know,"

"…Thanks a lot, you Ren's boob head!"

"I am Ren!"

"…(runs)"

-

I read a story, once.

-

"What was it about, Kyo?"

"It was about nothing you'd wanna know!"

"Please, tell me!"

"It was about… ponies… (runs)"

-

I sure did a lot of running that day.

-

"Well, if you stopped being such a pervert, you wouldn't have to run every time someone mentioned something the slightest bit disgusting!"

"Yeah, well, I have to jack of SOMETIMES, Hatori!"

"…That's not exactly what I meant…"

"…(runs)"

-

Then Yuki tried to kill me because I keep using '…'.

I told him that was starting to get a bit old.

-

So he tried to commit suicide.

-

I offered to kill him instead.

-

"No thanks, you stupid cat, suicide is much more satisfying,"

"But if I kill you, I can join the zodiac!"

"Exactly… (walks off)"

-

Stupid.

Yuki.

-

Gasp!

-

"What is it, Kyo?"

"YUKI DRANK THE LAST OF THE MILK! THAT BASTARD! (stalks)"

-

I, Kyo, am hunting down Yuki.

I keep a watchful eye on him at all times.

Twitch, twitch.

DAMN HIM!

-

"Kyo, what are you doing hiding behind my bedroom door?"

"SHUT UP YUKI! YOU STOLE THE MILK! PREPARE TO DIE!"

"…"

"Why aren't you dead yet?"

"Masturbating wont kill me, Kyo"

"…(runs)"

-

I learnt a valuable lesson, today.

Masturbation DOESN'T kill.

-

So live it up!

-

"Kyo, I would appreciate if you didn't run around my house naked,"

"Hatori! I would appreciate it if you pissed off!"

"It's my house, Kyo…"

"…(runs)"

"Don't forget to cover your shame!"

"…(runs faster)"

-

Stupid Hatori.

Always fucking up my life.

-

Oh, I like Ren's boobs and I cannot lie!

You other Sohma's can't deny!

When she walks into the room with her itty bitty waist,

And big things in your face,

Your pants spring!

-

"…Kyo, please refrain from speaking to me again,"

"Akito! Don't be so cruel!"

-

That night, Akito tried to rape me.

-

It's times like this I wish I hadn't pushed her off my balcony and landed her in hospital for three months.

-

Well, at least I was popular with all the Sohma's.

-

"Well done Kyo!"

"Thanks Haru,"

-

"You did it for the team!"

"Uhh… thanks Kureno,"

-

"Thankyou, sissy!"

"…Kisa?"

"I'm not Hiro! I'm Kisa!"

"…(runs)"

-

Have you ever noticed how in public toilets, there's always sperm on the toilet seats?

-

I mean, for guys, standing up in essential to the pee'ing process.

-

But I think those cubicles are for people to jack off.

-

"Is that the main topic of the day?"

"No. Making an audition tape for Sesame Street is,"

-

"Today's number of the day is 69, kids! It's bought to you by all the sexy woman out there! Yay!" (Me)

"And what's the letter?" (Yuki)

"Umm… how about we have THREE letters today, because today is extra special? (big smile)"

"Ok!"

"Today's word of the day is… SEX, bought to you by all the horny teens in Japan, America and Australia! Yay! (smiles)"

"…"

-

Lets just say the tape got rejected so sent a letter bomb to their stupid company.

-

"Kyo, that's the wrong thing to do!"

"No it's not!"

-

Piss off.

-

I'm sick of talking to a scum bag like you.

-

So more raping and less talking!

-

**A/N:**

**Kyo, your so harsh! (whines)**

**Kyo: "Shut the hell up, you!"**

**Sorry…**


	12. I Feel Like An Idiot

**A/N:**

**This chapter will have a lot of… Kyo in it.**

**Somehow, I wonder why.**

-

I'm getting a tutor today.

Shigure-Sex-Fiend-Man said that I'm not smart enough to keep Akito happy.

-

So then I went to visit Akito.

-

"What do you want, scumbag?"

"Akito, why am I stupid?"

"Because, 'stupidity killed the cat', didn't it?"

"I thought it was curiosity!"

"No. Curiosity was framed,"

-

Hey!

They weren't lying when they said 'you learn something everyday'!

-

I feel mighty good about myself now.

-

"Stupid cat, keep ya pie hole shut!"

"GO AWAY, YA DAMN RAT!"

-

Stupid Rat and his stupid stupidness.

-

So, Shigure got me a double bed.

Wanna know why?

-

I'll show you in a wicked flashback.

-

"Guess what Kyo! If you get smarter, I get you a double bed!"

"Yay! Then I can spread out and dance and jump and hump and…"

"Yes?"

"EVERYTHING!"

-

So now my bed is my sanctuary.

All I have to do is drag it onto the roof.

-

"Hey, Tohru?"

"Yes?"

"Can you please help me drag this bed onto the roof?"

"…"

-

What? It's not like I'm gonna have sex with her on it where everyone can see!

Or maybe…

-

"Don't even think about it!"

"Eep! Kagura!"

-

You know, I used to be such a nice boy, before Kagura came.

-

That reminds me of a song…

-

It's called…

-

"Yes?"

"Kick me when I'm High" (My fave song!)

-

Yes, Dukoro-chan put that in this chapter because SHE likes it.

Bi-atch.

-

You know what?

After I said that, a pair of imaginary hands shoved me down the stairs.

-

Weird huh?

-

DAMN YOU!

-

"Kyo, are the voices haunting you again, with perverted words?"

"No… their hands are shoving me down the stairs!"

"There there… have an egg!"

"…"

-

Why is Tohru such an idiot?

-

MUSTANG, BABY, MUSTANG!

-

Oh, right, I forgot.

-

"Ahh! Kagura! Help me!"

"What Kyo, is someone trying to kill you? I'LL GET THEM!"

"Yes. The girl down the street keeps trying to hug me,"

"(goes to kill)"

-

Ya know, maybe the occasional sex with Kagura pays off.

I have the best bodyguard.

-

"Hey Kagura?"

"Yes, love?"

"Yuki keeps trying to kill me! I want you to boil him and serve him on a silver platter in his rat form!"

"….(does)"

-

YAY!

-

I feel like a superior idiot!

-

Do you know how sexy the Simpsons are?

-

I just love Bart.

-

He's like, the roxxorx.

-

"PLEASE REFRAIN FROM SAYING THAT AGAIN!"

"Oh, for the love of Ren's boob! Look, would you just shut up! Can't I get some privacy around here? Sheesh!"

"…(backs off)"

-

That's it!

Go run to your mummy!

-

Or my bedroom.

-

**A/N:**

**Poor Kyo.**

**He's such a… sexy loser.**


	13. I'm Not Happy Without My Happy Meal

**A/N:**

**Muhahahaha.**

-

Yankee kept on yanking on my tail today.

…Fucking Yankee.

-

"Haha! You have a tail!"

"Stop ya yankin' ya yankee!"

"…"

-

I can't believe how homosexual I sounded just then.

-

"It wasn't exactly homo, it was just… strange,"

"Piss off Ayame. You ARE a homo!"

"(is hurt)"

-

Oh. My. Akito.

-

A mystery condom!

Who's is it?

-

"Is it YOURS Haru?"

"…(runs)"

-

Okay, so it wasn't Haru.

Or was it…

-

"Was it YOU Hatori?"

"I don't have sex,"

"Lies!"

-

"Was it YOU Hiro?"

"…Yes,"

"…"

-

Well, that was surprising and very sickening.

-

Anyway…

-

"Whaddup mah le h'omme dawg!"

"…That's offensive,"

"PISS OF SHIGURE!"

-

Damn Shiggy.

He's a shig and a gy mixed together.

…

-

Eww.

-

"Waaah!"

"What is it, Kyo my darling?"

"I'm so fat!"

"No… no your not!"

"YES I AM!"

"But-"

"But who said that? Why, it was BACK-FAT BETTY! Ooh, ooh! Who might that be, HUH? I know who! CELLULITE SALLY! Ooh, but NO ONE can be fatter than TINA THE TALKING TUMMY! I'm so obese, I'm 1 guy and 3 girls at once!"

"…"

-

I feel so ashamed.

Maybe I should lose some weight.

-

"Kyo, for the love of Ren's Boob! You're not fat!"

"…Oh"

"It's true! When you looked in the mirror, Haru was standing behind you and holding out his arms to make you look fat,"

"…Damn him!"

-

(stalks Yuki)

-

"Yuki, I'm going to kill you now"

"Kyo, I'm trying to shower!"

"…I know, I know…"

"FUCK OFF!"

-

Spoil sport.

-

"Hi!"

"What is it this time, Hatori?"

"I just wanted to say hello!"

"But you said… wait a minute! (pulls off mask) GASP! YOU'RE THE OLD MAN FROM MYSTERY LANE!"

"And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those pornographic kids!"

"…"

-

Am I a porno kid?

Wait, am I a kid?

-

"No!"

"…Die!"

-

Being a kid means I can get away with half price bus tickets and happy meals at McDonalds.

-

I haven't been happy since I stopped eating happy meals.

-

"Here, Kyo. I bought you one!"

"T-Tohru… thankyou… oh my Akito… I'M TOO FUCKING OLD FOR THIS! (throws in face)"

"…(sooks)"

-

Haha.

Teach Tohru to feel sorry for me.

-

Well, why are you still reading this like a common hobo?

-

Want some Macca's in ya face too!.?

-

**A/N:**

**Waaah!**

**Not Macca's in the face!**

**Not mystery condoms!**

**NOT HOBO'S!**


	14. Screw With Me But You Keep The Kid, Duh!

The other day, I got high off toothpaste.

-

Amazing, eh?

-

So many things you can get high off, these days.

-

Glue… sugar… petrol fumes…

-

"Kyo, you do realize children as young as 12 read this stuff?"

"Hatori, the girl who writes this shit story is only 13!"

"…"

-

I shock horrored Hatori and you didn't.

Haha!

-

"Bastard,"

"Piss off, Yuki."

-

Akito asked me if she could have some onion sauce, as well.

-

"It's bad for your health. Especially bad, because you are a cruel, obnoxious, gender orientated fool who really believes they are God. Sorry,"

"…(cries)"

-

Well, someone had to tell her.

-

Duh!

-

"But how is it bad for me?"

"IT'S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH! DUH!"

"…"

-

I freak people out.

-

Yay.

-

Oh my Akito!

-

IT'S THE TOOTHFAIRY!

-

She's gonna eat me!

-

"Run, Kyo, Ruuuun!"

"…"

"What?"

"I'm not Forest, Tohru!"

"…(cries)"

-

Well, someone had to tell her.

-

I had a chocolate box the other day and I was walking down the street with it to see how many people would come up to me and ask for some.

-

But, I was wearing a total gangsta outfit with a sticker saying "I'm helping the sick!"

-

More like making the sick…

-

"Mr. Sohma, how many children do you have floating around in the world?"

"A few,"

"What's that meant to mean?"

"I lost count at 87"

"…"

-

I don't wanna pay that damn child support!

-

Better to lie.

-

"Kyo? Is that you? Why haven't you ever looked after our child?"

"Ah… Yinari… you see it's kinda like this…"

"Bastard! (slap)"

"(flinch)"

"Have you even spoken to your kid?"

"I don't even know his name, to be honest"

"It's a girl, Kyo. A girl!"

"…(runs)"

-

Damn Yinari.

Damn everyone.

-

Hatori then came onto me.

Like seriously.

-

He mounted me while I was sleeping.

-

"Hatori…"

"Yes?"

"Is there a reason your mounting me?"

"Well, I just wanted to listen to your heart for a while but I forgot my little heart listening thingy so I decided to sit on you and listen with my own ears, but I had to take your shirt off to hear, and then I realized you weren't wearing one which made everything a whole lot easier for me!"

"…"

-

Hatori's gay.

-

Shigure told me so.

-

"Since when do you believe him?"

"I believe anyone you've fucked with, Akito,"

"…"

-

Well, someone had to tell her.

-

Duh!

-

Had another English assignment with an acrostic using a commonly used sentence.

-

**F**reak out.  
**U**nder the covers.  
**C**ause I wasn't as big as your old boyfriend...  
**K**akeru Manabe!

**W**ell, someone had to tell her!  
**I** don't give a damn for her feelings.  
**T**hat's just not my style.  
**H**aha on you, slutty gut face.

**M**ummy!  
**E**-gats! You're a moron!

**B**abies are icky looking!  
**U**mbrella's are used for when they puke.  
**T**otally gross out factor.

**Y**uck, your whore.  
**O**pen your legs for me!  
**U**-why? Because I said so.

**K**yo hates Yuki very muchly.  
**E**ven though they are related.  
**E**ven though sometimes they share…  
**P**ocki, pencils and underpants.

**T**hen again, doesn't everyone?  
**H**ell yeah.  
**E**veryone does!

**K**yo is sick of this assignment.  
**I** think we should meet up some time behind the school shed.  
**D**on't forget protection!

**-**

Hell yeah.

-

That'll all be useful for when I go in search for babes over seas.

-

Pocki, pocki time!

-

"Kyo Sohma. I believe I have something to disucuss with you!"

"What is it now, Akito?"

"That acrostic you did was a disgrace to the family name!"

"No, that's you."

"…(sad)"

-

Well, someone had to tell her…

-

Right?

-

RIGHT?

-

Oh, piss off then!

-

**A/N:**

**Haha.**

**I wrote that acrostic myself.**

**Maybe I can use it in Japanese… with Japanese words.**

**Yay!**


	15. Gasp! An EMO UPDATE!

**A/N:**

**IMPORTANT, IMPORTANT, IMPORTANT!**

**Kudos to anyone who can tell me how many P!ATD references are in this chapter.**

**Because everyone knows mighty authoress loves them.**

**ALSO, ALSO, ALSO!**

**We have an… EMO UPDATE!**

**Thanks to...**

**Angel-san!**

**-**

I feel like an emo hoe bag.

-

Because… I keep cutting myself.

-

"Oh God! Your wrists? Kyo! Bad boy!"

"…Kagura, I'm talking about my nose hair,"

"…"

-

That showed her.

-

Ass wipe.

-

Let me show you the more angsty side of the universe as I travel to Shigure's backyard in search for rape victims. I mean babes.

Babes, dammit!

-

"So, Shigure. Tell me of your backyard,"

"It's… a backyard."

"…"

-

Gaaaaaaay.

-

"I see no blood from the hearts and the wrists you allegedly slit!"

"Shutup Kagura! I told you I was cutting my nose hair!"

"…(sad)"

-

So ya.

-

I am…

-

Kyo, the Emo Bag of Dog Poop!

-

"Hey! I made up that name!"

"No Yuki, technically the mighty authoress did. She just made your stupid mouth say it,"

"…"

-

Then Yuki tried to commit suicide.

-

"Your pulling the trigger all wrong,"

"…Piss off!"

-

Yeah.

-

This room has a hint of asbestos.

-

Anyway, back to Shiggy's backyard…

-

"As you can see here, we have a very rare breed of babe (rape victim). You see, this kind is shy and not very witty, so she doesn't understand you're coming onto them. They're called a 'Tohru Honda'. You can hear more about them next episode!"

"…"

-

Isn't this exactly where you'd like me?

-

I went to the pawn shop the other day.

-

Teehee. I said pawn!

-

"I'll buy this one!"

"That'll be 8 bucks."

"Can I please pay in naivety?"

"…No"

-

Dayam him!

-

Muchos Masturbation!

-

"What the hell, Kyo?"

"Well, Yuki, if you only listened, you wouldn't be asking that!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…MUCHOS MASTURBATION!"

-

Mastuerbation is good.

Becuase I am cursed and all. (Refer to chapter; "But I can't, Because I'm Cursed").

-

"What does the curse have anything to do with -Oh."

-

Hatori finally got the picture!

-

What an idiot.

-

"I heard that!"

"Akito, get out of that cosplay costume! How many times does Yuki have to tell you?"

"Eight more"

"...Moron!"

-

I have an iPod.

It's gaaaay.

-

(cries)

-

How about you take your best guess at the shade of my sheets before all the stains?

-

"What stains?"

"From when I stole your… VIRGINITY!"

"I'm a boy, Kyo!" (It was Momiji all along)

"…(runs)"

-

I just realized something.

-

This story only have 5 chapters to go.

-

How angsty.

-

This has been an emo update, bought to you by…

McCRAPPERS CHEESE!

It's just. Too. Good.

-

And Shigure!

-

He's an idiot!

-

That's the way!

-

**A/N:**

…**How sad. **

**5 chapters to go.**

**(clings to holy reader)**

**DON'T LEAVE ME TO FUCK WITH THAT 'WOMAN!'**

**REN!**

**(dies)**


	16. Umm, Hi, Welcome to Sexaholics Anonymous

**A/N:**

**Yay! While writing the Tohru update I was all like, "I CAN'T WAIT TO UPDATE THIS ONE OH MY GODZOXRZ!".**

…**Yeah.**

**-**

Guess what!

-

Four chapters to go.

-

What is it with woman these days?

Have they forgotten what their mother's used to say to them?

-

"My Mum always used to tell me to be-"

"I already know! Shutup!"

"…(sad)"

-

It's more like, "Be careful! One day, you'll come across some poor man who's cursed! So you need to learn how to have sex with your chest up!"

-

…Why don't mothers ever say THAT to their daughters? That is a life lesson, I think.

-

"It might give away the curse,"

"Hatori, in there anywhere, did it mention the name SOHMA?"

"…No?"

"THEN PISS OFF!"

-

Then, Akito told me the shocking news.

My blood test had come back.

-

"Kyo…"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry to say but… you're a… SEXAHOLIC!"

"…Nooo000ooooo0000oooo0000oooo0000oooo0000ooo… can I have sex with you now?"

"…"

-

Oh God.

She's right!

-

I'm a… sexaholic!

-

"It's all right Kyo,"

"What would you know, Hiro?"

"I know a place you can go!"

"Ya do?"

"Sexaholics Anonymous!"

-

So he gave me a card and sent me away.

But he gave me a blowjob first.

Yay!

-

La la la… walking down the street… OH MY GOD.

-

AND AKITO.

-

It's… it's… KAGURA.

-

Ahhh!

-

"(Running)"

-

I don't think she noticed me.

-

So I walked up to the building and some dudes standing there.

-

"Oh, hi. Welcome to Sexaholics Anonymous. What's your name?"

"…Umm… Kyo Sohma…"

"OMFA YOU'RE FROM THAT ANIME!"

"So are you, NARUTO AND INUYASHA."

"…(shame)"

-

Stupid Naruto and Inuyasha, thinking I wont notice them in a crowd of sexaholics.

-

So then we went inside and sat around in a big circle.

-

We introduced ourselves.

-

"Hi, I'm Inuyasha… from Inuyasha!"

"Hello… I'm Naruto, from Naruto,"

"I'm Kyo, not from MY OWN NAME but from Fruits Basket! HA!"

"…"

"I'm Kyo from Kyo,"

-

WTF.

There is like a samurai guy with the same name as me.

And his show is named after me!

-

"It's so kind of you to name your show after me!"

"…You're so vain, you probably think this anime is about you!"

"The word is song, idiot,"

-

"Hiya! I'm Yuki from Gravitation!"

"Chi! Chi chi, chi chi, chi! Chi, chi chi, Chobits!"

"…(stare)"

-

What an idiot.

That Chi girl is like… a robot.

-

"Now, we do not judge here. So please, tell us a bit about how you became a sexaholic,"

-

Naruto went first.

-

"I saw a picture of myself having a threesome on the internet. That was enough for me to want to try it,"

"Poor you! (gives chocolate)"

-

Then Inuyasha…

-

"Kagome learned that not only if she said 'sit' I go crashing to the ground, but if she says 'hump' I rape her,"

"Aww… Inuyasha! (hands flower)"

-

Then Chi...

-

"Chi chi, chi chi chi... chi chi. Chi? Chi chi, chi! Chi... chi. (nod)"

"Poor girl robot, thingy!"

-

Then that stupid Yuki's turn.

-

"Shuichi... he's crazy for the sex... but now, I am obsessed too! (angst)"

"There, there!"

-

Then it was me.

-

"I don't know. I think I've always enjoyed the feeling. And threatening people into rape is fun."

"…"

"What?"

"GET OUT, YOU FIEND!"

-

I was shocked and appalled.

But left without a word.

-

Or a sexy guy to take home.

-

"…(sad)"

"Don't be sad Kyo! (hug)"

-

Stupid authoress.

-

And so concludes my epic tale.

-

"You mean stupid!"

"Go away, or I'll rape you!"

-

…Be scared.

-

**A/N:**

**Yay! That was so fun to write. I've been planning it for days.**

**Heh heh heh…**


	17. Just Thought You Might Like to Know

**A/N:**

**OKAY. READ THIS. IMPORTANT, SHOCK, GASP.**

…**Scared you.**

-

SCHOOL SUCKS.

-

Just thought you might like to know.

-

"I didn't, you asshole!"

"Shutup, Black Haru!"

"No!"

"Do I have to have sex with you to make you leave me alone?"

"No! You talk too much about sex!"

-

That really opened my eyes.

-

Maybe I should talk more about the REAL issues in life.

-

"Kyo, the main reason people are born, is so they can procreate the species further."

"…Well, that settles it,"

-

Now I know I was born for sex!

-

"BOOORRRNNN TOOOO BEEE WIIIIILLLDDD!"

"…(shocked, rocked and rolled, dawg!)"

-

I seem to be horrifying people more on this occasion.

-

Well, at least I can say I can shock slash horror them more on Halloween.

-

"How so, Kyo-SAN?"

"Wrong story, NARUTO-SAMA!"

"…Sama? Whoa. I feel like Akito!"

-

Why does Naruto keep popping into this story?

-

The mighty authoress has never even seen the anime or manga.

-

THAT'S DEPRESSING.

-

Just thought you might like to know.

-

"No one wants to know!"

"Well, (scoff), SOOOOOORRRYYYY for living!"

"Yeah, you should be. If it wasn't for you, my wife would still be alive!"

"…You married my Mum, Ritsu?"

"…Yes"

"OMFGWTFBBQ!"

-

Ritsu is my father.

-

"Luke. I am your father,"

"My name is KYU"

"I didn't know your name was the number 9."

"It isn't! Spelling mistake!"

-

Some people are so stupid.

I could just…

Just…

-

Oh, I don't know.

-

I will now kill you all with my super subliminal message attack.

-

"uuuuuur der m4704… 57up1d 1 ere!111!1!1!eleven!11!"

"…"

-

Maybe saying "You are the major stupid one here," isn't exactly… smart.

-

IT ISN'T.

-

Just thought you might like to know…

That…

In 3 chapters…

This story…

ENDS.

-

"Gasp! Does it!"

"Yep. Mighty authoress is mighty sad. She mighty enjoyed writing this mighty silly fictionary"

"…"

-

Fictionary!

It's the dictionary of fanfiction writers, which has idiocy, suspence and perverted innuendo's!

-

FWEE!

-

"Wow. This is so stupid,"

"Shut it, Yuki. You know you want a Fictionary."

"…I do?"

"YES"

-

Help! I'm a porcupine!

-

Just thought you might like to know.

-

"I read in a fic once that cats have like, spine thingies on their 'unmentionables'. Kyo?"

"WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING!"

"Can you please check inside your pants?"

"(does so)… (shock)"

-

Now I really AM a porcupine.

-

Freakish.

-

THAT'S NOT THE TICKET.

-

"What?"

"That's not the ticket I want. I need the one that takes me to Kyoto and/or Nara. I'm going on a school trip there, remember?"

"Kyo, that happened manga's ago. The newest (18) is coming out tomorrow,"

"And only in Australia!"

-

Here that, you lousy Australians?

Manga 18.

-

I BET YOU JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM DOING ALL DAY AND NIGHT.

-

"I do,"

"Piss off Ritsu, you sick, twisted, monkey man!"

"…(hurt)"

-

"That was mean,"

"YOU'RE THE FACE OF MEAN MAGAZINE, HATORI!"

"…(uber-sad)"

-

Have YOU made Hatori sad today?

-

Well… I have some interesting news.

-

Shigure was running around the other day, yelling something remotely sounding like "Help, I'm on fire," or "Help, I'm a porcupine," or "I'm a spaghetti".

-

If he was a porcupine, we could do some really kinky stuff.

-

But I can't, because I'm cursed.

-

So I slapped him upside the head instead.

-

I'm a poet and I didn't know it!

-

Yuki died because he got tongue tied (in my mouth)

-

Shiggy is gay with Aya, a pole and… a pile of hay!

-

Kagura is so mean that she uses Mr. Sheen (as deodorant, gasp!)

-

I was arrested because Tohru isn't breasted!

-

"…What the fuck?"

"Akito! You don't speak English anymore! Nooo000ooo000!"

"…"

-

No wonder Yuki is afraid to admit he's related to me.

I'm just to sexy for everyone.

-

"Hand shake?"

"Okay (reaches)"

"(snatches hand back and runs through hair)"

"…"

"TOO SEXY FOR YOU!"

-

Yeah.

-

I over heard this exact conversation between Tohru and Hana the other morning.

-

"I lost my virginity to my boyfriend," (Hana)

"Yeah? Well, I lost my breasts to a pie!" (Tohru)

"…" (Hana)

-

Unusually horny-fying.

-

Yetti's turn me on.

-

So.

-

Badly.

-

"Woo! I turn you on! Woo! (ghost sounds)"

"…Hiro, get out of that yeti costume,"

"(sad)"

-

That makes me sad.

-

Just thought you might like to know.

-

**A/N:**

**That was offending and shocking.**

**He he.**

**3 chapters to go!**


	18. Take Your Idiocy To The Supreme

**A/N:**

**UPDATES FRIDAY!**

**Take Your Idiocy To The Supreme.**

**Kudos to Angel-san and her Hiro story for part of this chapter…**

-

The other day, I was told I was gay.

-

Am I really gay?

-

"Yep,"

"Piss off, Akito. You're gayer than me. Girly man,"

"…(sad)"

-

So Yuki showed me this site of Shigure's computer…

It proved my worst nightmares.

-

"And here… there is this story were we… you know…"

"…Oh my fucking god."

"And then there's you and Ritsu…"

"…"

"And then there's you and… AKITO"

"(dies)"

-

Why?

Why me?

-

"Because, you're a uke,"

"Haru!"

"Take your idiocy to the… um…"

"SUPREME"

"You're gay,"

-

Well… that solved that.

I'm not gay.

-

"But you've raped me before,"

"What do you have to do with anything, Shigure?"

"Everything, m'dear,"

"…"

-

Yuki told me about how he found Kisa in his bed.

So I bought one of those whistles that call animals.

-

"(walks to Sohma Estate)"

"(blows)"

-

Then Akito told me that I was an idiot, because dogs and cats are the only animals that can be called using the special whistle I bought. I was offended.

-

"Well EXCUSE MY ASS but I am a cat, Shigure is a dog and Kisa is partly some sort of cat!"

"…That's what I call taking your idiocy to the supreme,"

"Thanks"

-

And the hardest part is letting go not taking part.

-

"Kyo, metaphorically speaking, you've never taken part in anything. You're the cat; left out of everything. What have you ever held on to except your hatred for Yuki and-"

"Master? Shut up!"

"…Sorry,"

-

Whoa. Masters first appearance.

Gasp.

-

Ya know what?

You'd be amazed how much a love you so.

-

"Kyo?"

"What?"

"You mean that?"

"Yes, of course Kagura,"

"…"

"HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS IN AUGUST!"

"…(angst)"

-

Someone rescue me.

Shigure's so mean.

-

"Waaah! Some body! Kyo's hitting on me!"

"Be quiet Momiji, you fool!"

"April fool?"

"No, the Easter bunny"

-

Momiji was very upset for the rest of the day.

-

I actually think he stopped being sexually active.

-

"Gasp!"

"I know!"

-

The other morning, Machi came up to me.

-

"Um… you must be Yuki's cousin…"

"What's it to ya?"

"He… he said that I was a useless butt face,"

"You are,"

"…THANKS A LOT, ASS!"

"Butt face, Machi. Butt face. (corrects)"

"(seethes)"

-

She really needs to get her anger checked out there.

But then again, so do I.

-

"You said it, sister!"

"…Idiot, I'm a guy,"

"…SUPREME"

-

YAY!

-

I ate pasta with meatless balls last night.

I commented to Yuki that his balls were meatless.

-

"How would you know?"

"Oh. I know. (wink)"

"...(twitch)"

-

Haha Yuki.

You have meatless balls.

-

"You saying your balls have meat?"

"Yep. Taste!"

"N-Nah thanks!"

"Come on Haru..."

"...(run)"

-

Everything I hate runs from me.

-

I ate a supremely made supreme pizza just then.

-

Tohru was too lazy to make dinner.

-

"She was giving birth to YOUR child!"

"…Lies! Scandal!"

"Don't be a supreme moron,"

"STOP USING MY WORD, DAMMIT!"

-

Hiro later told me it was his word.

He used it first.

-

"No Hiro, supreme is a word that the pizza man from pizza lane came up with,"

"…(gasp)

-

I just squeezed a pimple.

-

"You GET pimples?"

"Yes little Kisa, I do. I get them everywhere. My face, my face, my di-"

"Kyo?"

"What?"

"I think you have…"

-

Then Hatori came.

-

"Kyo, you have genital herpes."

"…?"

"You have a pimple on your dick."

"NOOOOOooooOOOOOoooooOOOOOoooooOOOOoo…"

"That means no sex for a while,"

-

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

-

"And… no mauling,"

-

SUPER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

-

What am I supposed to do all day?

-

I tried to pop the pimple but it just wont bulge.

-

I m-mean budge!

-

"No you don't,"

"Shutup Kureno,"

-

A week later, Hatori came at cut the herpes off.

-

I was bandaged… I couldn't even hold an erection for the high holy days.

-

"How sad,"

"Sure was Kisa. Sure was,"

-

But after a while, I was okay.

-

All my prostitute buddies where happy.

-

"...Idiot"

-

And so concludes my epic tale about having genital herpes.

-

Speak up, act now.

-

Fight against AIDS.

-

And having no sex for a month and a half!

"Kyo!"

-

**A/N:**

**Teehee, yay.**


	19. Totally Sexless

**A/N:**

**What's this? **

**Kyo's being… INNOCENT.**

**Gasp.**

**-**

Darn.

This sucks.

-

"What's up?"

"Be quiet and I'll tell you!"

-

Akito told me I had to be innocent for one day to see if my childhood innocence came back.

-

"Don't be stupid," I told her. "That disappeared when I lost my virginity. Maybe before. Yeah, definitely before."

-

She wasn't impressed, I can tell ya.

-

Tried to rape her, to make her leave me alone.

Only made things worse.

-

"Kyo Sohma! For one day, you must not be perverted, have sex, swear or make innuendo's! Nor can you masturbate!"

-

I left.

In… ANGST MODE.

-

And so, this will be fully innocent.

I hope your twisted virgin eyes enjoy it.

-

"…"

"Leave me alone, Haru,"

"Huh! When did you become such a sook, Stupid Cat?"

"When Akito made me be… INNOCENT, (cry)"

"Oh dear LORD. May God have mercy on your soul!"

"Haru, that's not appropriate now,"

"…Sorry,"

-

And so Shiggy took my CENSORED WORD and stuck them under his bed.

So sad.

-

"Can't I just keep the mags under my bed? I wont read them! I swear!"

"No, no…"

"Akito never said I couldn't read my CENSORED WORD!"

"But, I want to read them. Seeya!"

-

So now, I'm stuck in bedroom all alone with no CENSORED.

I can't even CENSORE with myself.

-

Darn!

-

"Why don't you stop crying!"

"Go away, Yuki!"

"Well, if you don't stop crying, I'm going to have to play some very loud and CENSOREGRAPHIC music,"

"…Die,"

-

But in the end, he played it anyway. Just to get back at me.

Moron.

-

"…Put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts…"

"YUKI! TURN THAT CENSORED WORD OFF!"

"Why?"

"Because I can't sing along to the size of my CENSORES."

"…Oh."

-

I wish this day would hurry up and be over.

-

"I can make it go away pretty fast!"

"How so, Momiji?"

"Oh, I think you know…"

"Sorry, no pleasure today."

"(angst)"

-

And you wouldn't believe it.

I had to go to school.

-

On the day when all the CENSORE stars come along and dance.

On poles.

-

Ah CENSORE it!

-

"No need for that sort of language, Mr. Sohma,"

"Hello, I said censore."

"…"

-

So I was walking down the hall when…

-

"Oh, hey hottie! What some fun?"

-

Those darn CENSORE stars.

All they want is me.

-

"And me!"

"No Hatori. Don't even think that for a minute,"

"…(sad)"

-

Have YOU made Hatori sad today?

-

But… I had to say no.

-

"Sorry ladies, I'm on a contract."

"Oh too bad! We were gonna treat you with some CENSORE and a bit of CENSORE CENSORE... and a CENSORE job."

"…(MEGA ANGST)"

-

Akito.

I bet she planned this.

-

So I went into the bathroom.

But I remembered I wasn't allowed to CENSORE off…

So I… sat on the sink and sooked.

-

"Oh, didn't think I'd see you here,"

"Y-Yankee!"

"What? Oh! Tohru never told you?"

"You're a guy?"

"No. You're in the girls bathroom! CENSORE OFF!"

-

I think everyone hates me.

Except Hiro.

-

"I hate you,"

"Hiro, baby, no you don't. I got your Valentine's card. That girl gave it to me,"

"…HUH?"

"You know…"

"Kyo, the girls card from what the girl,"

"…(run)"

-

What a beautiful tragedy.

-

The tragedy of being me… on this day.

-

"Don't be so sad Kyo. There's always tomorrow."

"Master! I'm sick of you're darn sensitivity shi-at."

"You swore,"

"DIDN'T"

-

So… it's night time now.

I survived.

Just.

-

"Hey Kyo, at midnight you can CENSORE off to feel better,"

"You're right Shiggy. Thanks."

-

I bet he'll come and pleasure me.

-

MIDNIGHT EXACTLY.

-

Well, this sucks.

-

I slept naked so that Shiggy would come.

He didn't come.

And neither did I.

-

How sad.

-

"Shut up,"

"STOP LISTENING TO ME!"

-

Huh, what are you still doing here?

-

FUCK OFF!

-

**A/N:**

**Nyaa.**

**See that?**

**I can't be innocent at all.**

**(sniffle)**

**(mega sniffle)**


	20. Bye Bye Miss American Pie

**A/N:**

**(sniff)**

**It's the end, you guys. **

**We've come to the last chapter.**

**Unless… I write this one for more…**

**So yeah. Thanks for reading. Haha.**

-

What the fucking hell, Ren?

Do you always have to do that?

-

Oh, it's you. What the hell do you want?

-

"I'm here to give you a check up,"

"Piss off, Hatori. No one cares."

-

So, I've started to eat an apple a day.

Just so Hatori keeps away.

-

"But if the doctor is cute, you can go screw the fruit!"

"Kana? What the hell are you saying?"

"I forgot…"

-

Anyway, back to Ren.

-

Did you know what she did?

I bet you do…N'T.

-

"Hey Kyo?"

"What do you want, Ren?"

"Want to break the curse?"

"…"

"Because I have a special way!"

"My curse already broke,"

"…(angst)"

-

What a bitch.

Trying to do to me what she did to Rin.

-

How stupid does she think I am?

-

"Very. You're a stupid cat,"

"FUCK OFF YUKI EVERYONE LIKES ME BETTER SO DIE."

"…"

"I got more reviews than you,"

-

Haha.

I beat him.

-

(takes out piece of paper from pocket)

-

Let's see… here are all the things I did yesterday **(Actually, I did them).**

-

In sex ed I had to put a condom on a dildo.

Like, what the fuck?

-

"Safe sex, Mr. Sohma,"

"Practice makes perfect, SENSEI IDIOTH"

-

I downloaded a song called Idioth.

It rocks.

-

I wrote a story with me and Tohru in it.

Except they had… AUSTRALIAN NAMES GASP.

-

It was for a national writing essay. To see who can write stories and who can't.

-

"NO ONE CARES"

-

I also jacked off in the laundry basket and got a few 'pop ups' in class.

-

"Tell your pants it's rude to point!"

"I can't help it!"

-

Girls just don't get it.

Guys can't help it when their pants pop up!

-

I guess I can help it though.

-

If I didn't always think naughty thoughts about people…

-

Hey… what's that sound outside?

Aaaaah! I'm scared.

-

"Master?"

"What is it Kyo?"

"There's a noise outside my window!"

"And you walked all the way over here to tell me that?"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you check what it was?"

"…(gasp)"

-

She's got a boyfriend now.

-

"Who?"

"Kisa…"

-

She used to be the happiest girl I knew.

-

Damn that Hiro.

-

"You don't have to worry for me, cousin Kyo."

"I don't? Oh, okay. Fuck ya then!"

-

I hate Kisa.

Such an ungrateful whore.

-

"Waaahaaa!"

"What Momiji?"

"Hiro said you have a bigger dick than me!"

"I do,"

"…"

-

…Don't I?

-

"I would bloody hope so,"

"Stop talking like a Londonese person, Haru."

"No,"

"YES"

-

Why doesn't Haru like me anymore?

-

"Akito likes you now. She's got a fetish for you,"

"SHUTUP!"

"Well, if you've ever read YOUR OWN MANGA DAMMIT you would know,"

"…Do they sell it at Walmart?"

-

I saw Akito in Walmart.

It was shocking.

-

"Hi Kyo! (mega smile)"

"…Hi?"

"HOW'S MY FAVOURITE PERSON?"

"I hate you,"

"Don't be that way! Teehee!"

"…(eye twitch)"

"I know you like it rough. Come back to my house."

"Ahh! (runs)"

-

How traumatic.

-

(shuffles feet)

-

"What did you do wrong now, Kyo?"

"AKITO! Stop following me!"

"Stop PANIC!ing."

"…You idiot,"

-

Akito's to blonde to see,

The love she has for me,

Isn't… um… wanted?

-

"My hair is black,"

"And my hair is… ORANGE YAY"

"…"

-

Why are SOME of the Sohma's hair challenged?

And why am I one of them?

-

"What do you mean?"

"Look, Master, would you shut up so I can finish! Gawd!"

-

Haru: He's got black and white hair. What a cow. Don't have a cow, maaan! Ha! And his eyes are grey.

Momiji: He's a freakish blondie. That's not right. The colour, I mean. I don't even know what colour his eyes are. I never look at them.

PRINCE RAT FACE: What the hell? His hair is like, grey. He's an old man. And he's a girly boy! His eyes are purple! Hahahaaaa! Loser.

Kisa: What a freak. Her hair is… gold? Can I sell it for cash! Sheesh. And her eyes are brown? What the hell.

GAY PERSON SNAKE THING: I don't want to comment…

Kyo, the Ultimate GOD! Of the Zodiac: My hair is… Orange. How. Freaking. Wicked. I don't even know what colour my eyes are. I should ask someone.

-

"I still think that's because of the curse. Taking hair colour from your animal counterparts fur,"

"Master… would ya shut the fuck up!"

"…(shame)"

"That doesn't explain the whole hair and EYE'S thing!"

-

Wait, come back Master.

-

"What do you want?"

"Master, what colour are my eyes?"

"…Umm… I don't know how to describe it,"

"ASS"

-

Does no body know?

-

"I think your eyes are… CRIMSON."

"Shutup Authoress Girl! Just because you're a girl and can tell the difference between red, maroon, crimson and blood red!"

"Hey! Why don't you go die!"

"I think I might!"

-

Well, at least I know what colour my eyes are.

Yay for me.

-

Now. I have to go in search of some rape victims.

What can I find in Shigure's backyard?

-

"Well, there's Tohru!"

"Where'd you come from, Kureno?"

"I don't know. An egg?"

"LAME ASS PUN"

-

Hey, look. It's Tohru.

Just like Kureno said.

-

"Hey Tohru,"

"Hi Kyo,"

"Wanna be my rape victim?"

"No,"

"TOO BAD! MUUUHAAHAHAHAAA!"

-

Yep.

Maybe I should have put a sheet down or something.

Her back got cut up because of the ground.

-

"Why's your back bleeding, Miss Honda! Blah blah blah did Kyo try and rape you again? Blah blah blah I am a stupid ass hole rat. Blah blah blah let me love you please. Blah blah blah I suck,"

-

Stupid Yuki.

-

Who else can I find outside?

Ah… the sun is so bright…

-

Hey, is that Rin?

-

"Rin!"

"…(turn)"

"Hi,"

"What do you want, cat?"

"…(rape)"

-

And the best thing about it?

No one came to help her.

-

Yay!

-

Aww. I feel sad now…

Because…

It's time for me to go now.

So…

I thought I'd end with something special.

-

I just thought I'd tell you a secret.

-

Yuki didn't fuck yo mumma.

-

I DID.


End file.
